Many autistic people avoid looking into someone’s eyes not because they are rude, uninterested or “badly behaved”, but because for their brain, making eye contact can be very hard or uncomfortable.
- Sensory overload
For many autistic people, looking into someone’s eyes feels like staring at a very bright light:
- There is too much information at the same time: micro-expressions, emotions, movements.
- The other person’s face is already a lot of information; if they also look directly into the eyes, the brain “gets overloaded”.
- They may experience it as uncomfortable, invasive or even almost painful.
That’s why looking somewhere else (at the floor, the table, the wall) helps them regulate and not feel so overwhelmed.
- Difficulty with “social multitasking”
Talking, listening, thinking about what to say next and also maintaining eye contact is like doing several complex tasks at the same time.
For many autistic people:
- If they look into someone’s eyes, it becomes harder to listen well or find the right words.
- Looking down or at a fixed point allows them to focus better on what you’re saying.
In other words, sometimes they look at you less… precisely so they can understand you better.
- Anxiety and fear of making mistakes
Social interactions are often more stressful for autistic people:
- They fear “doing it wrong”, being judged, or not interpreting gestures correctly.
- Holding eye contact can increase anxiety: the heart races, the body tenses up.
- To reduce that anxiety, they avoid looking directly into the eyes.
It’s not a lack of interest: many times they care so much about “doing it right” that they get even more nervous.
- Confusing social rules
In typical communication there are many unspoken rules:
- “Look at me, but not too much,”
- “Look away for a moment, but then look back,”
- “Look more when the topic is important,” etc.
These rules are not obvious for many autistic people.
Some:
- Learn to make eye contact “because they have to”, and it looks rigid or forced.
- Prefer not to do it so they don’t feel fake or uncomfortable.
- Should we force them to look into someone’s eyes?
In general, the current recommendation is NOT to force prolonged eye contact.
Forcing “look at me when I’m talking to you” can:
- Increase anxiety and sensory overload.
- Make the person stop listening to what’s being said because they’re focused only on “enduring” the eye contact.
- Associate communication with discomfort.
It’s better to think:
“I prefer that they listen to me and feel safe, even if they don’t look me in the eyes,
rather than have them look at me by force but not understand anything and have a bad time.”
- What you can do in practice
Instead of demanding “look at me when I’m talking to you”, you can:
Accept other ways of “looking”:
- They might look at your forehead, nose, eyebrows or chest.
- They might look to the side, but you can tell they are listening.
Use supports:
- Say their name first: “Juan, I’m going to tell you something important.”
- Speak with a calm tone, using short and clear sentences.
- Add a gentle gesture (show the object, point to a picture, etc.).
Propose, don’t impose:
- “If you feel comfortable, you can look at me for a moment and then look at the table.”
- “You can look at my forehead or my eyebrows if eyes feel uncomfortable.”
- How to explain it to others (teachers, relatives)
If you need to explain it to other adults, you can say something like:
“He is paying attention, it’s just that for his brain, eye contact is very intense.
If we ask him to look at us all the time, he feels uncomfortable and understands less.
It’s better to let him look somewhere else so he can listen and think calmly.”
Summary:
Many autistic people avoid eye contact because it causes overload, anxiety and makes it harder for them to process what they are hearing. It is not a lack of interest or bad manners. Allowing other forms of attention (looking at another point, brief glances, etc.) usually helps them communicate better and feel more at ease.
